Mindful Onions

Mr Fowler reported on a new initiative offering mindfulness training to all onion farmers. Mr Halsey asked what the bloody hell mindfulness training was when it was at home. Mr Fowler said that it involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. Ms Williams said she preferred a gin and tonic and a nice game of bingo. Mr Fowler presented a raft of statistical displays showing that mindful farmers had a higher than average crop yield. Mr Smyth said that he was all in favour of the initiative and had been attending a mindfulness workshop at the leisure centre on Tuesday evenings whilst his wife, Mrs Smyth, was at aqua aerobics.  Mr Goldsmith asked if Mrs Smyth was at aqua aerobics last Tuesday. Mr Smyth said that she was. Mr Goldsmith said that was odd as the pool was currently closed for refurbishment. Mr Smyth said that Mr Goldsmith could do with some mindfulness training himself, as he had plenty to be mindful of. Mr Goldsmith asked Mr Smyth what he meant by that. Mr Smyth said that he could be mindful of the fact that there was no such thing as the Afweergranaat Symposium in Utrecht and therefore he could also mindful of the fact that that he could not claim expenses for visiting it, under the name Mr and Mrs Denis Bergkamp. Mr Smyth said that while he was on the topic, Mr Slease could be mindful that it was not normal to eat a whole brie every day for lunch, and Mr McCabe could be mindful that it was not appropriate to wait near the lift in a cape and surprise visitors with a giant chorizo, even if was Comic Relief. Mr Berridge intervened to calm proceedings and reminded Mr Smyth that at the core of mindfulness was non-judgementalism and that Mr Slease was free to enjoy cheese however he chose, and that Mr McCabe had done much for British onions whatever his foibles. Mr Fowler asked why everyone couldn’t all just get along and, producing his lute, treated the board to a rendition of Melting Pot by Blue Mink. Mr Slease asked what a melting pot was. Mr Fowler said it was best described as a sort of fondue.

A Hail of Onions

Mr Smyth reported to the board an incident in which anthologist Mr Pace had been assaulted by a hail of onions. Mr Pace had been walking home after a yoga session and was humming a German faith song to himself, ‘es für die Gnade der Zwiebel’. As he passed beneath the ten story Kensington Hotel he felt the impact of something hard on the back of his head. He knew instantly it was an onion as his wife had used a similar technique over a number of years  when he was suffering from writer’s block and his love for the onion had literally gone off the boil. He had become known to the Board as Cheese Head as he was very rarely to be seen unaccompanied without segments of onion. Having felt the pelting keenly, he turned expecting to find his wife and only looked upwards when he heard the word ‘Nazi’. Mr Smyth reported to the board that Mr Pace had looked up to find three of the four judges from X Factor looking down and laughing. Louis Walsh was said to have unbuckled his trousers asking the troubled writer if he had ever been scared of the rain, while Sharon Osborne had asked if the Professor of Vegetation “knew anything about this”, and revealed a mole hairier than the inside of an artichoke. Mr Pace was said to be deeply affected by the experience and had tried to absolve this through writing an extended homage to the onion, though as the words weren’t forthcoming he’d suffered a torrent of hurled onions from his wife which had further compounded the trauma. Mr Smyth suggested that the board should organise a collection and send Mr Pace a variety box of McVities biscuits. A show of hands ensued and the motion was passed, though the Board could not agree a consensus on who should go to the all-night garage.

EuroOnions

Mr Edwards updated the group on EuroOnions, an onion specific version of the Eurovision Song Contest. Mr Smyth informed the group that the preliminary phase, a Song for Onions, had been completed and that the entry selected was very strong: a version of 1980s disco classic You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) entitled You Spin Me Round (Like an Onion) performed by a supergroup comprising Jamie Oliver, H from Steps and one of Boyzone who isn’t Ronan Keating or the one who is dead. The biggest threat, said Mr Edwards, came from the Germans, with a version of Kraftwerk’s The Model, entitled Die Zwiebel, and the French, whose version of Serge Gainsbourg’s Je t’aime (mois non plus) entitled Je t’aime (les onignons) had a certain Gallic charm. Mr O’Loughlin pointed out that Boyzone were Irish. Mr Edwards said he wasn’t going to get bogged down in semantics. Mr Fowler stated that the whole conceptual framework of the song was flawed. How exactly did an onion spin round? That surely depended upon the variety, and upon atmospheric conditions. Mr Fowler stated that simply substituting  one word for another was not songwriting and said that he would now give a demonstration. Mr Fowler then produced an ocarina and treated the board to a rendition of his own composition dealing with economic migration in search of vegetables, entitled An Onion from America. Mr Smyth pointed out the similarities with The Proclaimers’ 1987 hit A Letter from America. Mr Fowler stated that he couldn’t work with amateurs and left the room, returning later to pick up his ocarina. Mr Slease said he hadn’t realised Mr Fowler was Scottish.

Onion: a literary journal

Mr Smyth was pleased to announce that he had last been able to launch the first issue of the Board’s literary journal: Onion. The magazine had been held up due to a shortage of publishable submissions from outside of the Board’s immediate community. Notable celebrities had been approached, including Roy Chubby Brown and Sting, but nothing had arrived. An out-of-office message had been received from Bob Holness saying that he was away skuba-diving off the coast of Ecuador. Mr Goodland said this couldn’t be the case as Ecuador was landlocked. Ms Allen suggested that perhaps Ecuador was an anagram in this case and that whoever solved it would get to attempt the Hotspot as they did in Blockbusters. Mr Underwood reminded Ms Allen that perhaps that wasn’t appropriate as Mr Holness had died in 2012. Mr Fowler, who hadn’t heard this news, became agitated and asked for his favourite mascot. Mr Ormonde suggested that the meeting should progress. Mr Smyth had checked the company’s Dropbox, he said, but all that was in there were Mr Fowler’s artistic impressions of Mr Hilson when he was drunk, imitating a monkey in a bowler hat. They had been archived after Mr Hilson’s birthday and been digitally archived as TIFF files. Ms Pears suggested that the Board’s Twitter and Facebook accounts could be used to solicit submissions, perhaps even the Onion Library might add something to their online news’ page? Mr Slease questioned why the onion, which was itself such a perfectly formed work of art, needed the conceptual framework of literature to add to its perfection? Mr Jenks reminded Mr Slease that there were those out there still intent on parboiling onions to the recipes laid down by Hugh Fearnley-whittingstall and that it was the Board’s duty to generate any kind of support – literary or otherwise – for the onion’s inherently poetic constituency. The meeting ended when Mr MacDonald then asked if anyone would like a ginger nut and if so, could they nip down to the garage as there was a 3-for-2 on all McVities’ biscuits?

Dad’s Onions

Mr Smyth shared with the board a diagram he had produced to show the danger of foreign imports. Mr Taylor said that this was a very poor effort and Mr Smyth had clearly just taken a Google image from the title sequence of beloved British sitcom Dad’s Army and crudely imposed some onions on it, using software he had got free off the internet. Mr Fowler said that the diagram didn’t even make any sense, as it implied that there were no onions in Britain, and if that were the case the entire raison d’être of the board would be a non sequitur. Mr Slease requested that Mr Fowler speak English. Mr Smyth said that if he’d wanted deconstruction, he’d have asked Jacques bloody Derrida.  Mr Slease asked what Liverpool’s centre forward had to do with anything. Mr Fowler pointed out that Jacques Derrida died on October 9^th 2004. Mr Smyth said that the trouble with reading Mr Derrida is that there is too much perspiration for too little inspiration. Mr Fowler said that he bet Mr Smyth had got that off the internet as well and that he could see that his phone was on in his jacket pocket. Mr Goldsmith said that if it didn’t exist on the internet it didn’t exist, and that the world wide web was a vast, collective memory in which everything was archived. Mr Smyth said that he had some software that could delete your internet history permanently and without a trace. They couldn’t touch you for it.

 

Britten’s Onions

To celebrate the centenary of Benjamin Britten’s birth it was suggested by Mr Fowler that he offer an evaluation of how Britten created new works from already available onions. He had recently ran a series of talks on this subject called Onion Bites, which had gone down well at a famous arts’ venue. Unlike many composers, Mr Fowler said, Britten was drawn to the endlessly variable range of onions in existence by which to build up his pieces into musical composition. ‘Onion in Op C’ is perhaps his most well known of these pieces, in which the composer added the libretti: “Crystelate my layers when I am fried”.  The evening of the opening performance at the Wigmore Hall was made famous through ex-lover, and collaborator, WH Auden turning up, drinking from a bottle of Thunderbirds and asking for his lederhosen back. Mr Britten, who was positioned in the Royal Box, hurled pickled onions down on the poet, until he was removed from the venue and the performance continued. Mr Fowler was keen to reignite this air of timeless enmity and passion to the Board, and asked if any of the members had read the love poems of John Donne recently? Mr Fowler also said that he’d just bought a new camera from Jessops and assembled the Board into two rows – tallest at the back –  asking them to smile and say ‘Onions’.

Onions online

In reference to the Pam Ayres Twitter incident, the board discussed an official British Onion Marketing Board online presence. A website could present amusing vintage advertisements and also board minutes, to give the public a fascinating glimpse into the onion elite. Leading celebrities could be approached to manage the site. Mr Fowler said that he had contacts that could put out feelers to The Two Ronnies. Mr Smyth pointed out that Ronnie Barker died on 3^rd October 2005. Mr Fowler said that he was a persuasive man. Mr Herd suggested a Facebook page with entry into a prize draw for clicking like. Mr Fowler said that he had contacts who could arrange a Nordic walking session with Emlyn Hughes. Mr Smyth pointed out that Emlyn Hughes died on 9^th November 2004. Mr Fowler said that Mr Smyth fundamentally lacked imagination. Mr Smyth said that his wife used a site called Adult Friend Finder. Mr Taylor asked Mr Smyth if he knew what Adult Friend Finder was. Mr Smyth said it was a site where adults could find friends. Mrs Smyth had formed a firm bond with a lady called Magda in Cleethorpes, who ran her own cattery and that she was visiting her this weekend. Mr Goldsmith said that he thought Mrs Smyth was allergic to cats. Mr Smyth said that she had found a miracle cure in a poultice made from char-broiled pearl onions and Deep Heat. Mr Goldsmith said it was a wonder what onions could do. Mr Smyth agreed and said that if they ever lost sight of that he might as well end it all. Mr Goldsmith requested that this be minuted.

Having a Moment

Mr Stone reported to the Board a tweet he had just read in which poet Pam Ayres had stated that she had pulled into a layby and “was listening to The Osmonds and having a moment”. Mr Stone said that the tweet had been replied to by Mr Smyth of the Board – who had asked for leave from the meeting to attend the funeral of his tortoise, Dave –  had himself tweeted: “would that perchance be a chocolate moment?”. Mr Stone was surprised by the response from the best-selling poetic voice of radio when she responded to say: “No, I’m enjoying hot bovril in a flask”. Mr Smyth had then asked if she thought the hot savoury drink would help look after her teeth? Ms Ayres had not responded but had later been reported at speeding past police cameras in the Walthamstow area. Mr Jenks then intervened to ask if at any point the marvellous onion – the sustaining ovaloid icon that had united the Board in the first place and was the reason they were gathered – had been mentioned and if not, well they could just as well bloody cancel this meeting couldn’t they?

Dark Side of the Onion

Mr Taylor announced plans to commemorate the 41^st anniversary of the release of Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd with an onion that is half black. A campaign would be launched with the slogan Dark Side of the Onion, promoting onions as edgy and urban. Talks with Rizzle Kicks were already at an advanced stage. Experiments with genetically modified cultivars to grow the half black onions have proved unsuccessful, but arrangements have been put in place to recruit a team of interns to paint the onions with non-toxic food colouring. Mr Jaeger wondered about the ethics of the operation. Mr Slease said that when he was young, he had spent a very enjoyable summer in the Black Forest picking loganberries for nothing but bed and board in a rustic chalet. Mr Goldsmith said that he thought Mr Slease had eyes for nothing but onions. Mr Slease said the loganberries were a youthful folly, but he had grown spiritually from the experience and that he was still in close contact with Gunter, a Bavarian farm hand who had taught him many things. Mr. Goldsmith said he had heard about the things Gunter had taught him. Mr Slease asked Mr Goldmith what he meant by that. Mr Goldsmith said most people didn’t turn up on dress down Friday in lederhosen.

Uncreative Onions

The Board was shocked when Ms Kelly reported the latest project by ex-board member Kenneth Goldsmith. His new work, Uncreative Onions, is a polemic against all the board stood for: the simple but endlessly versatile range of British onions. Goldsmith, said Ms Kelly, was threatening this through his argument that the onion could be replaced with any other vegetable to the same effect. “Since Duchamp first reduced a wheelbarrow of cabbages to a simple ju and replaced the contents of hospital urine samples”, Goldsmith writes, “British onion growers have refused to accept the impact of experimentation on their traditional and frankly boring practices”. Mr Duffy asked why Mr O’Loughlin was smiling knowingly at this. Mr O’Loughlin said that wasn’t cabbage soup that Mr Duffy had been eating for lunch. “Everything is possible now”, continues Goldsmith, “through straightforward rearrangement of the predictable umbrels of the onion, a cornucopia of potential new outcomes await. Look at my stetson: it isn’t in fact a stetson. It’s a squashed marrow coated with boot polish”.

Glass Onion

Mr. Ono announced plans to mark the 46^th anniversary of the release of The Beatles’ White Album, featuring the track Glass Onion, by manufacturing a glass onion that changes colour according to mood and emits a variety of onion-based scents by means of an occult mechanism. Mr Slease asked who The Beatles are. Mr Atkins said he had to be joking. Mr Slease said he did not know who The Beatles are. Mr Hilson said he had to be kidding. Mr Slease said he did not know who The Beatles are. Mr Goldsmith said he had to be pulling his leg. Mr Slease said he did not know who The Beatles are and that he was too absorbed in onions to spend much time on anything else, unlike some he could mention. Mr Goldsmith asked Mr Slease what he meant by that. Mr Slease told Mr Goldsmith he knew what he meant by that. Mr Goldsmith asked Mr Slease what he meant by that. Mr Slease said that, for example, he was too busy to spend a weekend in a double room in a Travelodge in Washington, Tyne and Wear under the name Mr and Mrs Bisto and charge it to company accounts, and that he was also too busy to hire a Ford Focus with twin airbags and an automated cup holder, also charged to company accounts, to make the trip. Proceedings became heated and Mr Berridge intervened, asking Mr Slease if he had heard of The Rolling Stones. Mr Slease said it was all downhill after Exile on Main Street.

Boris’s Onions

Boris Johnson is initiating a new scheme to replace the current underground Oyster card scheme with a system involving homegrown onions. The Onion Pass will work with commuters carrying a fresh homegrown onion with them on their journeys. The terminals will recognise the phenolic in onions that have been reared from the ground in the previous week. Mr Johnson explained that further journeys would be granted for those who had dug onions from rooftop gardens, building upon his campaign for a greener London. “The onion system will bring back a much needed sense of community and enrichment back to London”, Mr Johnson said, “dig for victory!”. Mr Chivers asked what he meant by ‘victory’ in this context and Mr Johnson said “commuting”. Mr Chivers also asked if Londoners who lived in flats wouldn’t be at a great disadvantage. “They’ll just have to shop for onions at Waitrose” he said. Mr Chivers proceeded to ask if there wouldn’t be problems with this system in winter, when the earth freezes over. Mr Johnson said there was still some tweaks to do with the plan, as was the case with all schemes of this originality and foresight, but his team were already looking into a replacement for the onion in times of freeze. He said that Starbucks had been amenable to an idea of using their cinnamon latte as a pass and talks were proving fruitful.

Fracking onions

Ms. Ayres reported on a potentially new and important venture. Large quantities of hitherto unexploited onions have been detected below the Irish Sea. Technology now exists to extract them, but may hold dangers. There have been reports of miasmic onion clouds affecting goose migration and explosive bowel consequences in some testers who had eaten the onions. Mr. Fowler said that this was scaremongering and that he had eaten some of the onions in a puff pastry tartlet this very lunchtime and it was fine with a spot of Gentleman’s Relish. Mr. Waling said this opportunity must be grasped otherwise it would be British Leyland all over again. Mr. Fowler excused himself from the meeting. Ms. Etter argued for a thorough review, stating that this was a crucial moment for the British onion, and confidence in the product mustn’t be lost, otherwise the Germans would exploit it and it would be sauerkraut for breakfast. Mr. Terry pointed out that there is no onion in sauerkraut. Ms. Etter told him not to trouble her with details and asked if he did not understand hyperbole. Mr. Fowler returned to the meeting looking pale and apologised for his absence, saying that he had suddenly felt ill. He informed the board that, if he were them, he would give it five minutes.

A Mix-up

Due to recent confusions it was agreed by the Board that this would be a ‘double-meeting’ to catch up on some pressing matters that were in need of urgent resolution. Ms Simons opened the meeting by asking for a show of hands for those in favour of the Board moving away from paper documentation towards a digital storage solution. Just then a group of twenty or so women entered the meeting, wearing pink lycra suits and carrying ankle weights. It transpired that the council had double-booked the meeting room for a new Weight Watchers class taking place each Wednesday. Mr MacDonald made a conciliatory gesture of offering the women a cookie from the teatray and lay concussed after the tray was flung back at him. As Mr MacDonald received treatment from paramedics it was suggested by Ms Kelly that the meeting should continue down the pub and the woman could have a free run of the boardroom. The women said that was all well and good but given that their tutor hadn’t arrived due to the mix-up who would lead the class? Mr Fowler stepped forward and asked if they’d prefer a straightforward Bums n’ Tums or a more advanced Kickfit session? The rest of the Board adjourned to the pub leaving Mr Fowler in charge of the class. Mr Thurston was last to leave the building claiming that Mr Fowler’s voice could be heard rising above a Ministry of Sound compilation saying: “Ezra Pound didn’t write the Cantos without feeling the burn!”

Onion salsa

Mr. Davenport delighted the board during refreshments with a rendition of Do They Know It’s Christmas? on his lute. Mr. Herd said that he had tears in his eyes, but wasn’t sure if that was due to the music or the extra strong white onion Mr. Linsday was frying up on his camping stove. Mr. Smyth said that the potency of the combination of a sweet melody and onions should not be underestimated, and that he would never have wooed and won his wife, Mrs. Smyth, neé Smith, without it. Mr. Smyth recounted how, last Valentine’s Day, he had performed an interpretive dance to the Foreigner classic I Want to Know What Love Is whilst showering her with shallots, with very pleasing results. Ms. Langton asked if Mrs. Smyth got lonely while Mr. Smyth was away on his many fact finding missions. Mr. Smyth said that Mrs. Smyth had recently taken up salsa and was enjoying it immensely, although her instructor, Javier, appeared to be working her very hard.

Truncated Minutes

There are no minutes from the last meeting of the Board. The meeting was adjourned after Mr Fowler accused the Board of “dark acts and skullduggery”. He had become aware that his wages had been cut due to the incident with the antique porcelain figure. Mr Fowler said this was laughable given then he was still owed royalties on his collaborative onion-growing pamphlet with Mr Hilson called ‘Touching Bulbs’. Mr Fowler then accosted Mr Hilson, and removed him from the meeting in a Javanese martial arts move he called the Terza Rima. The board has not heard from Mr Hilson since, but has been notified that Mr Fowler and Mr Hilson have decided to put their differences aside through working together on a new collaborative venture involving an unusual form of wensleydale churned in Salford. The planned agenda points for this meeting, including Mr Dunthorne’s idea for a crèche to made available for Board members in which the balls in the ballpool will be replaced with boiling onions, will be carried forward to the next meeting on 26th October.

Magic Onions

Mr. Halsey warned the board of the dangers of a new strain of onion entering Britain from the Netherlands which looks like a normal onion, but has mind bending hallucinogenic properties. Mr. Halsey has set up a small sub-committee, comprising himself, Mr Emmerson and Mr. Stephenson, to investigate the effects of the vegetable, known on the street as the Marco van Basten. The sub-committee have conducted a number of experiments under controlled conditions in a secret location on the Wirral. Mr. Halsey reported that eating the onion had made him feel as if he was an Aztec priest, officiating at an ancient ritual to honour the god Xiuhtecuhtli. Mr. Emmerson said he felt as if he was a soldier in the English civil war. Mr. Stephenson said he had felt, variously, as if he were Katie Price, a driving instructor from the Isle of Man, and an ancient monument. Mr. Fowler said that swift action must be taken and suggested the launch of a punitive crackdown which he dubbed Operation Salad Bar. Mr. Emerson asked what was so wrong with loosening up now and then. Mr. Fowler asked if he wanted to end up like Syd Barrett, or Rastamouse. Mr. Stephenson said that someone was climbing up him and asked the board to call the National Trust urgently as he had heritage status. Mr. Halsey excused himself from the meeting to pop to the all night garage for some Pringles.

Adventures in Onions

Mr Smyth opened the last meeting by saying that he believed he’d found a new kind of onion. This had followed from his reading of the recent Adventures in Onions anthology in which both Egyptian and Red Onions had complete sections to themselves but there was no representation of his discovery, The Nobbled Onion. The Nobbled Onion, he said, had both longer lines than the standard Boiling Onion but was looser in form than the Red Onion. Both Ms Williams and Ms Pester of the Board raised concerns that in recent onion cloning controversies the Nobbled Onion had beed used and that the Board should consider keeping an arms’ length distance from these controversies. Especially since the Reg Holdsworth Prize for Onion Growing had just been announced, with this year’s judges were Ant and Dec. Mr Waldron questioned why the Board had to run a prize anyway, and shouldn’t they be celebrating the hybridity and range of onions rather than measuring them by a narrow scale? Ms Parmer cited the recent Dear Onions anthology which was fabulously diverse but had left the Board unsure as to what an onion even was anymore. Mr Pantano agreed with Ms Parmer and suggested that the two extremes of onion prizegiving and anthologising were forms of limitation that the Board should be wary of. The meeting ended with a reading of Seamus Heaney’s poem ‘Digging’ which the Board all agreed was fabulous poem which could only have been improved if the narrator had been digging for onions, rather than potatoes.

Scent of an Onion

Mr. Slease presented an idea for onion scented shower gel, to be sold in a ketchup style bottle and named Scent of an Onion, in tribute to the 1992 film starring Al Pacino, Scent of a Woman. Popular television chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has been commissioned to design the label, featuring a line drawing of Mr. Pacino. Mr. Newman said that the drawing looked more like popular 1980s singer Shakin’ Stevens. Mr. Addison intervened to say that he loved onions more than anyone, but he did not think this a marketable product. Mr. O’Loughlin raised a point of order to the effect that he, in fact, loved onions more than Mr. Addison, as shown by the fact that he was appointed to the board in May 1996, whereas Mr. Addison was not appointed to the board until June 1996. Mr. Fowler stated that they were both incorrect and that it was obvious that he (Mr. Fowler) loved onions more than anyone, as attested to by his well-known activities promoting British onions in Norway, Bratislava and many of the Baltic states, not to mention the many events he had organised to bring onion growers together to exchange ideas and good practice, or the innumerable books he had written about onions, as mentioned in media outlets such as The Sale and Altrincham Advertiser, the QVC shopping channel, and BBC Radio 3’s The Verb. A heated argument broke out, but was calmed by Mr. Berridge, who requested it be formally minuted that all board members loved onions equally. This was accepted as workable compromise by all parties. Note to treasurer: damage to an antique porcelain figurine to be deducted from Mr. Fowler’s next wage packet.

Pickles on pickles

The board heard from Ms Herxheimer that after long exertion of pressure The Rt Hon. David Cameron had finally succumbed to a reshuffle of his cabinet and placed Eric Pickles in the role of Secretary of State for Homegrown Onions. This shake-up has meant that The Rt Hon Vince Cable will now be moved to Secretary of State for the Documentation of Rhubarb and the Rt Hon William Hague will occupy a new position as Secretary of State for King Edwards and other British Varietals. In this position Hague will be asked to remove the black cavities, often known as ‘eyes’, from the potatoes. Hague said: “This is an important new position which I’m not taking lightly. I’ve already been absailing the drainpipes of my niece’s wendy house and reading deeply into The Borrowers. It is right and fitting that we should deal with this situation first before heading into Syria”. Mr Cameron was alleged to be delighted with the shakeup and tweeted: “I am glad to have rectified this anomaly in my cabinet. At last we’ve got Pickles on pickles!”. The board attempted to reach Mr Pickles himself but he was dining at Spicy Buffalo Wings, Croydon,  and unavailable for comment. Ms Herxheimer referred the members to the next agenda item which was the yet-to-be-addressed overspend from the Christmas dinner at Nandos in December 2012. Mr Riviere remained perplexed as to how the board could have spent £3,312 pound over one lunch when Nandos was a non-licensed establishment. It was agreed by members to adjourn this item until the next meeting, as the  invited colleagues from the Bushtucker Ministry had just arrived from Australia, and due to the potential exports of the British Onion into the outback the members felt that this required full consideration for the duration of the meeting. The board was surprised to find that Steve Irwin was one of the visiting members who confessed that his death due to a stingray off the Great Barrier Reef was actually a stunt to allow full momentum to be added to the forthcoming Onions for the Outback campaign.

Golden onions

Mr. Addison informed the board that he had been reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and that it had suggested to him a new business model. He advocated the adoption of a golden ticket, to be inserted into six random onions, with the recipient receiving a free behind the scenes tour of the National Onion Centre in Wetwang. Mr. Reed pointed out that the National Onion Centre was closed indefinitely owing to localised flash flooding and in influx of aphids.  Mr. Fowler intimated that he had contacts who could arrange a brunch with Geoffrey Boycott. Mr. Barraclough advised that the logistics of inserting a golden ticket undetected into an onion may prove prohibitive. Ms. Crewe suggested that leeks could be used instead, as they had a longer tuber and were also part of the genus Allium. Mr. Atkins suggested that this was both the thin end of the wedge and a slippery slope, not to mention a hot potato, a banana skin, and a potential powder keg. Mr. Melville asked what was next: Wasabi bloody peas?

The Release of Cameron’s Onions

Mr Wilkes of the board showed members a document that revealed hundreds of onions had been sent between David Cameron’s opponents as the Prime Minister made plans to take complete control of the governmental alliance. The document revealed the extent of the manoeuvrings by Nick Clegg’s acolytes which had become clear to Mr Cameron’s advisers. Mr Wilkes revealed that Mr Cameron had become so concerned about attempts to topple him that he had an onion painted black which he carried in his pocket through corridors of Whitehall. Whenever suspicions were raised he would pull the onion from his pocket whilst saying the word ‘Cheddar’ three times. The onions were released by Benjamin Wegg-Prosser who was Director of Strategic Chutneys and Condiments up until September last year. This frenzied air at Number 10 was revealed in an email sent by Wegg-Prosser to Mr Cameron: “We need to get people to understand what glimpsing the onion actually means. We can’t allow a small number of MPs to threaten the symbolic power of the nation’s most popular vegetable.” Mr Cameron had since had a falling out with Wegg-Prosser and, the Board was told, would only now refer to him as ‘Prickface’. To help alleviate the tension Mr Cameron had gifted the onions to Jamie Oliver as part of his rekindled Healthy School Dinners campaign. Mr Oliver had commented: “Wicked! I’m going to whizz these tangy badboys into a tart the kids of Dalston will never forget”. Mr Wilkes then referred the Board to the next agenda item, an unpublished manuscript of poems by ex-board member Mr Prynne entitled The Balls of Friction,

From the archives: the Rt. Hon. Lord Parkinson

 

A curio from 1983, featuring the then Secretary of State for Trade and Industry the Rt. Hon. Cecil Parkinson. This poster, which was also due to be air dropped in leaflet form over areas of the north of England, was shelved after news broke of Parkinson’s affair with his former secretary, Sara Keays. Cecil, now Lord Parkinson, is a supporter of Preston North End football club, and in November 1988 paid a tribute to Tom Finney on This Is Your Life.

Onion Implants

 

Mr Sheppard, who had recently joined the board after working as director of Anne Summers, revealed to the members some shocking news that onions had recently been used in silicon implants. There had been a shortage in silicon, Mr Sheppard explained, and scientists had found that an onion saturated for long periods with wallpaper paste has a similar coalesced density to a silicon implant. Mr Sheppard produced some images from his briefcase to elucidate his point. Mr Jones excused himself from the meeting due to an appointment with his cat’s chirpodist, taking a small number of the images for closer study at home. My Smyth had another of his blackouts and had to be taken to the Chief Executives futon to recover. Mr Sheppard informed the board that many celebrities had mistakenly been implanted with onions, including Katie Price. The effect on the partners of these women, he said, often manifests in an excitation of the eye ducts which may be mistaken for tears. Mr Sheppard then presented each member of the Board with a ‘RhinoDog Testosterone Spray’, for which he was looking for a financial partner, and demonstrated the products effect by removing his shirt and singing ‘Mysterious Girl’ on the boardroom table.

Gerald

Mr. Slease warned of a potential health and safety risk. Whilst examining a specimen of Allium ascalonicum, he discovered a small brown mouse nestling in a cavity in the region of the axillary bud. Mr. Slease managed to coax the mouse to safety using fragments of wholewheat biscuit but whilst dealing with an abusive fax from Alan Titchmarsh, Mr. Slease became distracted and the mouse escaped. Mr. Slease urged members to check their private stock, with particular reference to any examples of Allium ascalonicum. Mr. Slease advised that he had named the mouse Gerald, but was unsure if the mouse would respond to this, as they had spent insufficient time together to build a rapport. Mr. Twose suggested that a humane trap could be built using a desk tidy, a 15 cm. ruler and a common or garden cheese, such as Wensleydale. At this point, a small brown mouse was seen to emerge from a bowl of Murray mints and run across the boardroom table. Mr. Fowler crushed the mouse with a copy of the Index of Imperial Weights and Measures. Premises were called to remove the remains. Mr. Slease excused himself from the meeting.

Strictly Onions

Bruce Forsyth

Rumours regarding a new Saturday night show were discussed at the board meeting on the 13th September. The BBC’s director of television, Danny Cohen, hinted to press that he will work as a “runner” for the cause of the onion. Following the recent declining figures for Strictly Come Dancing, it has been hinted that he is looking to bring back the earthiness and sense of community back to Saturday evening television. “We have been extremely busy at the coal face”, he hinted, “roasting the core of our Autumn fayre”. This plan echoes the recent BBC Series, Out of Me Swede in which Chris Tarrant spent a year with a turnip, revealing to the root vegetable the past demeanors that he refused to share with journalists. Mr Jobs, of the Board, said this could be a turning point for the onion. The board then discussed the possibility that Bruce Forsyth might lend himself to a pressure group for this series. Mr Forsyth had led the 1975 campaign ‘A Nation of Onions’ and had recently been spotted in a deli-bar in Hamsptead ordering the emmental and red onion on toasted rye.

Robert Robinson’s onions

Mr. Fowler alerted the board to the existence of a splinter group, The Onion Council of Britain, which has been formed by a group of disgruntled ex-BOMB employees, including Mr. Horne, who was dismissed after inappropriate behaviour during last year’s away day, for which reparations are still being made to the West Rutland Wetlands Centre for damage to a birding hide, a display of local produce and several grebes. Covert operations by Mr. Fowler revealed that Mr. Horne had made an approach to the comedian Roy Chubby Brown in the Halifax branch of Holiday Inn to be the face of the breakaway organisation. Mr. Brown is said to have rebuffed the offer in robust terms, but Mr. Fowler has reason to believe that approaches are even now being made to other celebrities such as Bradley Walsh, Neil and Christine Hamilton, and popular game show host Richard Whiteley. Mr. Smyth pointed out to Mr. Fowler that Richard Whiteley died on 26^th June 2005. Mr. Fowler said that Mr. Horne and his associates would stop at nothing. The board agreed that premature action would do more harm than good, and charged Mr. Fowler with a watching brief, asking him to compile a dossier for inspection at the next meeting. In the meantime, approaches should be made to other celebrities to boost the board’s profile. Mr. Allen suggested John Prescott, who is playing Widow Twankey in a local production of Alladin this Christmas. Mr. Fowler suggested popular game show host Robert Robinson. Mr. Smyth pointed out to Mr. Fowler that Robert Robinson died on 12^th August 2011. Mr. Fowler said that where there was a will, there was a way.

The Celeriac Effect

When Mr McKenzie, Minister for Agriculture, visits the onion growers’ convention at Colac today he will be asked to use his influence in urging the state and Federal Governments to relieve the Onion Marketing Board of £27,795 debt to the Commonwealth Bank, based upon the overuse of onions as a rhetorical trope when discussig layers of complexity – particularly with reference to literary works. It was pointed out to the board that in 2012 alone the phrase ‘onion layer’ had been used 534 times by undergraduates discussing the works of Paul Auster alone. It was also flagged to the board that as a result of a backlash to modernism in 1937 there was a downturn in profits on that years crop that had led to a deficit that was still outstanding. It was decided at the opening session of the convention yesterday that the Board would suggest the celeriac as a vegetable that has enough complexeties of surface and sublayer to be used as a rhetorical figure in literary writing. The convention made a recommendation to the board that it ballot commuters at tube stations to ask how they would feel about discussing complex literarty works as having ‘The Celeriac Effect’. It was also decided that the board give an additional £ 500 worth of dehydrated onions to the Food for Britain appeal, making a total contribution of over 3,000 onions.

Shakespeare’s Onions

Mr. Fitch updated the board regarding the progress of the promotional campaign for the Allium cepa variety, commonly known as the Shakespeare, to be based on references to onions in Shakepeare’s sonnets. Unfortunately, there appear to be no reference to onions in Shakespeare’s sonnets. Mr. Fitch agreed to investigate further and to seek advice from the National String Bean Association, who undertook a similar exercise with the plays of Harold Pinter. Should Mr. Fitch’s efforts prove unfruitful, promotional materials already produced will be destroyed, apart from a set of fourteen scale replica onions, which the Women’s Institute has expressed an interest in for training purposes. Mr. Fitch also asked if the light above his desk could be turned back on.

Shite and Onions!

This recipe was shared by Alan Allen, a new member of the board, on the recent away day to Hereford Go-Karting:

Reduce butter in pan with a little salt and pepper
Recover lost articles
Fry up large diced red onion until no longer red
Recover lost articles
Break apart shite into small parts and add to pan
Recover lost articles
Add fresh herbs, as best for season
Recover lost articles
Serve on a bed
Recover lost articles

Mr Allen recommened also recommended a good seasonal varietal of pickler onion locally endemic to the Hereford region
 

Cliff Thorburn

Mr. Knock was pleased to announce the appointment of former world snooker champion Cliff Thorburn as roving overseas ambassador. Mr. Thorburn joined the meeting via teleconference from his ranch in Bangs Falls and said he was delighted to be on board: “As I used to tell Terry Griffiths when we we doubled up on the Matchroom tours in the 1980s:  ‘An onion shared with a friend tastes like roast lamb.’ The irony was, Terry would never share his onions. As for the lamb, we’ve all heard the rumours.”

Mr Smyth’s Carrot

At our last Board Meeting, Mr Davidson quoted the late Will Rogers : “An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh”. Mr Smyth refuted that and took the following sample from his briefcase:

Mr Smyth’s carrot

From the archives

This advertisement appeared as a full page in The Daily Mirror, The People’s Friend and The Morning Star in the 1970s and features Rodney Bewes, the original face of The British Onion Marketing Board. Rodney Bewes (born 27 November 1937) is an English television actor and writer who is best known for playing Bob Ferris in the BBC television sitcom The Likely Lads (1964–66), its colour sequel Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? (1973–74), the various radio series based on them (1967–68 and 1975), and in the big screen film The Likely Lads (1976).

Welcome!

Welcome to our site. Whether you are a grower, importer, exporter or simply a lover of British onions, we hope that you will find some usual resources here.